Your memories in me

Something I wrote after my previous heartbreak:

"I’m trying.

I’m really trying.

But your quirks, your idiosyncrasies, your laughter, your voice, all of it – they haunt me.

   I know that one day I will wake up and check my phone without the hope that you had sent me a text. I know that one day you will be just another Facebook friend. I know that one day your face will not be so clear in my mind’s eye.

   But today, tomorrow and for days to come, you’re every little nothing haunts me and follows me everywhere. Your mocking voice in a candid video, or your jesting smile heard through recorded sounds. The way your voice was hoarse when I woke you in the morning and so intoxicatingly soft in the night, when all I wanted to do was hear your voice and all you wanted to do was hear me breathe.  The memories of a time when I knew in my every fiber that the possibilities were limitless, of a time when I was willing to take a leap of faith in your direction, they cling to every crevice of my mind.

The little triggers that cause memory explosions, they’re everywhere I turn.

Just when I begin to think that you have seized to be a part of my every day, I trip and chance upon something new or old, something I forgot existed, or something of yours I forgot to hide, that brings back every part of you afresh."

Seems so idiotic now. Sure, it's nice to read, in a morose sort of way, but it's nothing. Literally nothing. I fell in love with the wrong guy.
No, I didn't fall in love. I merely opened myself up for a fraction of a second.
Seems ridiculous compared to how much of my true self I exposed recently, to the guy I wish I'd fallen in love with in the first place. I'll never get back the time I wish I'd spent on getting to know him instead of chasing some stupid fantasy. Time I wish I'd spent simply being with him, even if only to make his life a little better. And now, he's gone too. Stupid, stupid, me.